Instant Breakfast: Feb 23, 2015 w/ Brad Woodside

“13 Killer Kills”

By Remington J. Osborne

So last time I talked about how I got into horror and my love for Friday the 13^th. This time we’re going to take a closer look at Friday, and talk about some of my favorite moments from the series. And by favorite moments, I mean the brutal killings. Hey come on, we’re not here for the acting.

Maybe a little bit for the boobies.

#1: Friday the 13^th part 2 – Mark takes a machete to the face.

Now this kill is doubly tragic. Not only does Jason feel it necessary to kill a person in a wheel chair, but he adds insult to injury by letting poor Mark roll backwards down two flights of stairs. You’d think Jason would see the guy is in a wheelchair and cut him some slack. Nope. Jason is an equal opportunity killer.

Fun Fact – That was actually a stunt person that took the ride down those stairs.

#2: Friday the 13^th part 6 – Sheriff Garris gets broken in half.

Ah, poor Sheriff Garris. All this bastard was trying to do was save his daughter from a machete welding zombie, and what does he get for his trouble? Folded over like cheap origami on Japanese New Year. Well that settles it; if my daughter ever breaks a guy out of jail, which she just met, and tries to help him kill a resurrected serial killer…….., she’s damn well on her own. My back is in bad enough shape as it is; it doesn’t need to be twisted like a pretzel.

Man, pretzels are delicious.

#3: Friday the 13^th (Reboot) – Amanda burned alive in her sleeping bag.

Now this one is from the 2009 reboot. I almost call it a cheat, because something very similar happens in part 7, but it’s pretty grizzly so it makes the list. Now if you’re about to be killed by Jason the best you can hope for is a quick death. Poor Amanda was not on the receiving end of a quick death. Instead she was tied into her sleeping bag and hung over a bonfire until her own juices cooked her alive. Charbroiled frat girl anyone? I’m told she’ll go well with a nice Merlot.

#4: Friday the 13^th part 3 – Rick gets his head crushed until his eye pops out.

Back in the 80’s everybody was doing 3-D, much like they are today, so why should Friday be any different? This was one of the kills that really showed off the 3-D effect. It was cheesy as hell, and the prosthetic head was ridiculous, but it makes for an entertaining moment on screen. This is also the first moment we see just how powerful Jason is. Dude can crush a guy’s skull with his bare hands.

#5: Friday the 13^th part 5 – Demon killed while on the shitter.

I’m not sure what’s more embarrassing here; getting killed while on the shitter, or the fact that it wasn’t even Jason. This was a horrible way to go no matter how you look at it. Our man Demon was just sitting there minding his business, refunding the enchiladas he had for supper, when fake Jason started poking holes in the outhouse with a spear. Demon took a spear to the knee before pseudo Jason found his mark and got him through the chest.

I might also point out that Demon was serenading his girlfriend, who was brutally murdered just before he was. Who sings to their girlfriend while taking a shit? Not me, not you. Demon that’s who! So fuck you fake Jason, you didn’t just kill a guy sitting on the shitter. You killed true love.

#6: Friday the 13^th part 5 – Eddie gets his eyes gouged out with a leather strap.

Well since were on the subject of fake Jason we might as well keep going. He did have some clever ways to dispatch folks. Remember earlier when we said if you met Jason the best you can hope for is a quick death? Rick here was not the recipient of one. This looks like a horrible way to go, in fact I’m sure he immediately forgot about creek side sex party he was just having with…

#7: Friday the 13^th part 5 – Tina takes garden shears to the eyes and into the brain.

So here’s Tina, trying to make the best out of a sexually transmitted disease after she let pretty boy Eddie climb all up inside her. She’s rewarded by having a pair of garden shears thrust into her eye balls and into her brain. I think this could count as one of those “quick deaths” people should be hoping for. Oh well, at least Jason saved her a visit to the free clinic.

#8: Friday the 13^th part 8 – Julius takes a killer punch to the kisser.

And in this corner wearing the red, white and blue, weighing in at 185 pounds, 175 pounds minus his head, JULIUS!!!!! I gotta give it to Julius, Jason had him backed into a corner and he came out swinging. Big Jules got a few punches in and it looked like he might have put old Jason on his ass, but at the end of the day he was no match for Jason’s stamina and raw power.

What is really cool about this one is Julius’s POV after Jason delivers the right cross. I’ve always wanted to know what it would look like after I’ve had my head punched off my shoulders.

#9: Jason X – Adrienne gets a facial in liquid nitrogen.

I actually did not hate this movie, up to a point. Uber Jason was absolutely stupid, as was Jason surviving re-entry from space. But hey, this is Friday the 13^th, most of this shit is stupid. That’s why we love it.

Is it just me or does Jason have a thing against pretty girls? He’s got a thing against everybody, but it seems like he enjoys taking attractive young ladies and doing awful things to their faces. (See entry #7)

#10: Friday the 13^th part 6 – Steven and Annette saw something they shouldn’t have.

This kill is not particularly gruesome; Jason just gave them a little poke in the belly with his machete. What make this kill chilling is that this is something that we all have nightmares about. We see something we shouldn’t have. These two saps were not even on Jason’s radar, until that is, Steven had to go check out that noise he heard. After a short jaunt in the woods he sees Jason hacking old groundskeeper Martin apart. Sadly Jason sees that Steven sees what he’s doing. Well, Jason can’t have that. The result, handmade shish-ka-yuppies ready for the Q.

#11: Friday the 13^th part 3 – Andy gets chopped in half while walking on his hands.

Nobody likes a show off, especially Jason. Its bad enough you’re having sex in his woods, do you really have to accent that by walking around on your hands like an idiot? If the answer is, yes, then Jason is going to chop you in half. I really see no other course of action. And for good measure he’s going to stuff you in to the rafters so your blood and entrails drip lovingly down on to your girlfriend. Then it goes without saying he’s going to kill her.

Again, this was nobody’s fault but Andy’s

#12: Friday the 13^th part 6 – Hawes gets his heart ripped out.

HAWES!!!!!!!

That’s right, Tommy Jarvis you got your buddy killed. Horshack you have nobody to blame for this but your buddy, Tommy.

If you don’t know it already Hawes is played by Ron Palillo, Horshack from “Welcome Back, Kotter”. He also has the honor of being the first person killed by the newly reanimated, electro charged Jason.

Jason was taking a nice quiet dirt nap and Tommy had to go poke the bear. Hawes even saves your life; Jason was seconds from stuffing you into his coffin when Hawes beats Jason in the back of the head with a shovel. Sadly, Jason quickly turns around and pulls Hawes’ heart out through his chest.

Ironically, Ron would die 26 years later from a heart attack.

How do you not see that coming?

#13: Friday the 13^th part 7 – Judy in her sleeping bag, beaten against a tree

OK so this is it, this is my favorite kill from the entire Friday the 13^th universe. Judy, waiting patiently in her tent for her “big hunk of a man”, Dan to return from getting fire wood, little does she know that Jason has already pulled his heart out through his back. As Jason rips open the back of their tent she tries to find refuge in her big yellow goose down sleeping bag. Goose down or not, this is no sanctuary from Jason.

Now the actual kill has always puzzled me, was it Jason’s intention to pull her out of the tent and kill her using the machete he just acquired from Dan just moments ago, or was she being such a pain in the ass squirming around in that bag that he said, “Ah fuck it”, and just slammed her into closest solid object?

Either way the result was spectacular. This was the first Friday I saw in the theater, and I’m pretty sure I broke out into hysterical laughter when it happened. When I finally got it on VHS I must have watched that part over and over again for a half hour before moving on. The laughs that came out of me could have woken the dead. I know it woke my parents.

So that’s it. Those are some of my favorite moments from the Friday the 13^th series. There are a lot of honorable mentions, but I wanted to keep it at 13. Seemed like a good number. Did I leave something out that you thought should be on there? Let us know in the comments below.

Coming up next:

Remember a few weeks back when I talked about watching Friday for the first time with a group of friends at a sleep over? Well there’s a little more to that story. Tune in next time and I’ll tell you all about it.

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